open (celebrity) letters

I really like to follow celebrity happenings. Everything from the tragic end of John and Kate (plus 8) to the explosion (and then subsequent implosion) of Kanye West. I like the compound names: Bennifer and Speidi and Brangelina... and all the juicy details that cause those names to burst at the seams. What I DON'T like about celebrities is I don't have any forum to tell them what I think. [And as we all know here, sharing my opinion is top priority.] So, I am taking the opportunity to share open letters with all the celebrities that I think could use my guidance... or that just need a piece of my mind. If anyone has any way of actually sharing my words with these celebrities, have at 'er. In fact, if you want to rip off my words and use them as your own I could really give a shit. As long as these folks can hear what I have to say... that is the important part.

Dear Kanye,
Remember how you were just a normal guy rapping in Chicago before Jay-Z discovered you? Yeah, try going back to being that guy. This new guy sucks.
Love,
Jessa

Dear Heidi Montag,
You love Jesus. Do you think Jesus loves your spread in Playboy or your fake boobs?
Love,
Jessa

Dear Jessica Simpson,
It's too bad you're unlucky in love. It's too bad a coyote ate your dog. It's too bad you surround yourself with other drama queens. It's also too bad that you've never had to actualy use your head for anything other than to try out new hairstyles. However, it's time to buck up, buttercup. No one feels sorry for you anymore. You don't need a man, or a dog, or a bunch of drama queens. I suggest picking a look and going with it. And for the record... it isn't high waisted jeans or looking confused.
Love,
Jessa

Dear Mariah,
You're back baby. That's EXACTLY why he's so obsessed with you.
Love,
Jessa

Dear Octo-mom,
You. Are. Nuts. I'm sorry your dream to end up like Kate Gosselin didn't work out for you. Though, at this point who really wants to be like her anyway? Please, do your children a favor and try to keep some nannies around. I get nervous with your lips getting bigger and all. You're going to scare the babies.
Love,
Jessa

Dear Everyone on The Hills,
Fakest. Reality show. Ever. Stop. Just, stop.
Love,
Jessa
cc: Keeping Up With the Kardashians

Dear Ashlee Simpson-Wentz,
Please stop ruining Melrose for everyone. We're really trying to like it here.
Love,
Jessa

I see this being a regular segment on my blog. Celebrities are doing dumb stuff all the time. I can't wait to point out each and every big and small shortcoming of all the most popular folks. I mean, I haven't even *started* a letter to Lindsay Lohan... wow, that will be a good one. If you have a celebrity suggestion throw it in the comments box. I'll do my research and give them a piece of my mind.