open (celebrity) letters

I really like to follow celebrity happenings. Everything from the tragic end of John and Kate (plus 8) to the explosion (and then subsequent implosion) of Kanye West. I like the compound names: Bennifer and Speidi and Brangelina... and all the juicy details that cause those names to burst at the seams. What I DON'T like about celebrities is I don't have any forum to tell them what I think. [And as we all know here, sharing my opinion is top priority.] So, I am taking the opportunity to share open letters with all the celebrities that I think could use my guidance... or that just need a piece of my mind. If anyone has any way of actually sharing my words with these celebrities, have at 'er. In fact, if you want to rip off my words and use them as your own I could really give a shit. As long as these folks can hear what I have to say... that is the important part.

Dear Kanye,
Remember how you were just a normal guy rapping in Chicago before Jay-Z discovered you? Yeah, try going back to being that guy. This new guy sucks.
Love,
Jessa

Dear Heidi Montag,
You love Jesus. Do you think Jesus loves your spread in Playboy or your fake boobs?
Love,
Jessa

Dear Jessica Simpson,
It's too bad you're unlucky in love. It's too bad a coyote ate your dog. It's too bad you surround yourself with other drama queens. It's also too bad that you've never had to actualy use your head for anything other than to try out new hairstyles. However, it's time to buck up, buttercup. No one feels sorry for you anymore. You don't need a man, or a dog, or a bunch of drama queens. I suggest picking a look and going with it. And for the record... it isn't high waisted jeans or looking confused.
Love,
Jessa

Dear Mariah,
You're back baby. That's EXACTLY why he's so obsessed with you.
Love,
Jessa

Dear Octo-mom,
You. Are. Nuts. I'm sorry your dream to end up like Kate Gosselin didn't work out for you. Though, at this point who really wants to be like her anyway? Please, do your children a favor and try to keep some nannies around. I get nervous with your lips getting bigger and all. You're going to scare the babies.
Love,
Jessa

Dear Everyone on The Hills,
Fakest. Reality show. Ever. Stop. Just, stop.
Love,
Jessa
cc: Keeping Up With the Kardashians

Dear Ashlee Simpson-Wentz,
Please stop ruining Melrose for everyone. We're really trying to like it here.
Love,
Jessa

I see this being a regular segment on my blog. Celebrities are doing dumb stuff all the time. I can't wait to point out each and every big and small shortcoming of all the most popular folks. I mean, I haven't even *started* a letter to Lindsay Lohan... wow, that will be a good one. If you have a celebrity suggestion throw it in the comments box. I'll do my research and give them a piece of my mind.

the summer of jessa

The summer of 2009 has been quite a memorable one for me. In fact, the super-awesome-fun-time is what inspired me to start this blog. I figured that allowing folks to live vicariously through me (via this blog) was a favor for the whole world... or something.

The summer started out innocently enough. BAZ's wedding on Memorial Day weekend. Great to start the summer out by seeing some of my favorite LU peeps. There was delicious food, intoxicating beverages and SHOOOOOOTS! Other highlights include the Capitol Green and Kiana hating the shots guy from the night before, during a ride in the elevator. BAZ was a lovely bride. Brian, you're a lucky man to marry my friend. Because then it means you get to be friends with me too. What a trip, eh?

I followed that up with one of my more unique adventures of the summer... participating in the 95.9 Kiss FM Bachelor contest. I totally entered on a whim. Threw my hat in the ring without thinking I would EVER be selected. I was just myself. All I could be. It was between me and "Becki". Yeah, with an i. There were online bios and radio interviews. I was brilliant in some and dreadful in others. I had everyone I knew voting for me... including some dudes from Ireland.

So, I won. I won the date with Kyle the bachelor. I was totally stoked. If nothing else I was getting a free meal at the Melting Pot and got to meet Doug and Mary (the morning show hosts). Check out how much fun we had. There are more photos and a video... go ahead and watch using the link below... I'll wait. P.S. don't mind Mary's camera work.

More Photos

Video Confessional

He was totally into me, right? Wrong. Without going into detail we'll just say I did everything right and he did everything wrong. Obvi. Luckily I had the TRats tickets in my possession. Kyle, if you're reading this, Carla and I had a fantastic time watching Dave Bush warm up about 5' in front of us. Thanks for being a total tool. Moving on...

Two words... Carolina Liar! I saw 'em on a boat in Green Bay. Well, I saw Chad and Rickard from Carolina Liar. There's like four other dudes in the band. But those two are HOT... and even hotter when they are playing your favorite songs. We enjoyed a boat ride in the bay and down the Fox River. Thanks Foxy Lady II crew and 101.1 radio station (yeah, another radio station promo)... You host a great party. After the acoustic set was done we got to meet the boys and get their autographs. Ok, so maybe Megan and I went back for seconds, but hey... they are famous hotties in band, what did they expect?? Lookit, we're in love...

My summer had a lot of baseball games peppered in. From opening day at the TRats with our winter gear on, to helping the Brewers avoid a sweep by the Cubs at their last meeting at Miller Park. Didn't you see me on the field? Actually, I won the tickets to go to that game from my favorite Brewer blogger Miller Park Drunk. He's funny and drunk. He also doesn't like meeting people that like him. Apparently we've found our first blogger that doesn't appreciate fans or positive attention.

A highlight of the baseball summer had to be the TRats dollar beer night. There were memorable moments... from Bethy cheering me on to find a new shortcut out of the back parking lot ["Do it! Do it! Do it!" rings in my head]...to being a half of a human hamburger. Yep. Human hamburger. It was a race... against my brother.... he cheated.......... i lost. To be honest, I was the one that got all of us into it. Talking to strangers. Thanks to Bethy, Foth, and Josh for humoring me. Megan! Where's that video?! Well, here's a pic to give you an idea for now.

Here's something relatively new... I like to run! Yes, your friend, Jessa, has picked up the running habit. I trained for the Fox Cities Half marathon [my first] and am quite proud of myself for finishing. I got a shiny medal. Lots to learn though. More races to come. There might be some swimming involved. gulp.

The end of summer is always a sad time for me because it means that winter is right around the corner. But making the transition into the fall a little easier was the nuptials of my dear roomie... Kayyyytttteeeee! Kayte and Dan got hitched in Duluth, Minnesota, which, if I may say, is a LoVeLy place. Absolutely took my breath away. [I bet it ain't so pretty in mid-January... waist deep in snow.] Julie was a fantastic date. We tore it up on the dance floor. Kiana and Chad stopped by on their way to Europe.

Shout out to Julie for securing a room with a door directly connecting us to the pool. I don't know how lucky our neighbors were, however. Before we even left the hotel room for the wedding I had decided I was jumping in the pool afterwords... with my dress on. Later, after experiencing the "club" in downtown Duluth for a bit, we decided to turn in for the night. Someone held the door connected to the pool open, so I could run straight through our room and into the pool. It. Was. Awesome. As we were being asked to leave the pool area and go to bed Chad decided to try out a CANNON BALL! into the hot tub. It was probably the funniest thing that happened all weekend. Loved it.

As you can see, the summer was filled with more fun than most people can handle. I just want you to know no one was injured in the preceding stories... well, not seriously anyway. I like to think that fun is something I'm pretty good at. I live life. I love life. I figure if I'm going to do something I'm going to have fun doing it. Hopefully that's how my friends see what it is I'm trying to do here.

road trip

Black Betty and I just returned from a trip for work. It was a doozie. If I did the math correctly [and this is hard because I mostly count on my fingers] I logged somewhere around 1,300 miles. The trip went a little something like this: Appleton to Milwaukee, Milwaukee to Chicago back to Milwaukee, Milwaukee to Slinger, Slinger to Chicago, Chicago to Des Moines, Des Moines to Ames, and Ames to Appleton. Woah. That's a lot of driving. During all those miles of highway I had an opportunity to do a lot of observing. There were highlights and lowlights... but most importantly a safe trip overall.

I'd like to recognize Iowa (and Minnesota from an earlier trip) for having my favorite part of my drive... 70 mile per hour speed limits. I love driving fast and we all know that ten miles an hour over a limit is generally acceptable. The NASCAR driver in me had to push that limit, however. Going 95 was sweet. I didn't push it any more than that. Sigh. Fast.

Lotsa time to check out what's on the radio too. Gah. What are kids listening to these days? I won't name any songs because if you really like that song I'd feel bad that I insulted your taste in music and I want to keep my readers, not alienate them. I will, however, go out on a limb and tell you what a few of my favorite radio songs are... judge away, I'm ready. I found myself tuning into a lot of pop stations. The radio got louder when the following songs came on: Party in the U.S.A. by Miley Cyrus, Obsessed by Mariah Carey, and Paparazzi by Lady Gaga. I know, am I, like, seventeen? Did you guys know Ryan Seacrest has a daytime radio show? It is aired on a number of major stations. It makes me like him a *little* bit more. Still not enough to say I like him in general, but some bonus points. I'm sure Ryan is thrilled. I also played some (old) Kings of Leon and Carolina Liar on CD. I felt like that kinda balanced out the tweenager jam sessions. Plan for next trip... book on CD. I was a little nutty on the way home. Miley can only sustain fun and excitement for a certain amount of time.

Back to the actual task while behind the wheel... driving. Best and worst. Folks from Iowa get another round of applause. They totally get the "battering ram" technique I've tried to implement on the streets. I'm driving fast and they are getting out of the way. Love it. As I have always said, folks from Illinois are the worst drivers. No signals for lane changes. Flying by you on the right when no one is in the left lane. Driving on the shoulder. Sheesh. Of course these generalizations are gross and probably wildly inaccurate for a lot of people. This is just what I observed while on the road. Wisconsin drivers are not perfect angels either. My theory is, the further north you go, the worse they are. Their problem though, is driving slow, not like maniacs going to a fire.

One final highlight is my car hit 33,333 miles. It was an exciting moment that I captured via camera phone. Unfortunately I can't do anything with the pic because I can't get it off my phone, so you'll just have to trust me on this. If you want proof come and find me and I'll show you a pic. Then my middle finger. Untrusting jerk. I was just north of Rosendale, Wisco near county highway FF. I thought that was pretty freakin' sweet since one of my favorite words starts with F. You know they one.

That's the word from the road. My stops in between were wonderful. Thanks to Megan, my parents, Chris and Joyce, and Sam and Claire for hosting me. LU thanks you too. You made the nights fun and restful... except you Megan... no rest in Milwaukee... but I guess I only have myself to blame. It was totally worth it. "Heeaaaayyyyyyyy... it's a Party in the U.S.A."